Focus

There’s been so much change in my life lately, so much to focus on. Distracting things like a new job, depressing things like a traffic ticket, stressful things like moving. I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster the past few months and some things my husband’s been struggling with have felt the same.

When I left him, I said I’d work to put my sexuality at the center of my life. I’d stop pushing it off to the side and ignoring it for months. I’d explore what turned me on and what I craved with or without him. I’d unleash my inner slut.

I felt like I was making progress – ever so slowly reaching out for more. Then bam – I fell right back into my habits. Adding 8 hours of work and 3 hours of driving to my daily life drained all my energy. Breaking a finger drained all my pleasure. I’d fall into bed and wake up in what felt like two minutes to do it all again. Sex was pushed way to the side – and obviously this blog, my writing, got pushed even further down.

I woke up this morning feeling like I barely slept. My eyes would barely stay open and all I could think about was coffee.

Then I got a text:

I’m horny.

I almost typed not now – I just woke up. It’s my jerk reaction to turn things down when the situation’s not perfect from the start. I didn’t – I’m so tired of telling him no. I nearly scared him off trying to explain how tired I was and out of it I was.

But then he slid me into things with his words. His voice just flows down my spine and seduces me with the wonderful images he creates. Before I knew it I was cumming and begging for more. That few minutes after we cum is the closest I feel until I can touch him again. We’re both relaxed and open – I feel so connected and wanted. Why can’t I ever remember that at the beginning?

I move into our new place in a week. I’ll be able to walk around naked – I’ll be able to moan as loud as I want as the magic wand works its magic. I’ll feel free again. So now the challenge is to hold onto that feeling – to push my limits and explore. To remember to be more open to things my wonderful husband suggests and to suppress that jerk reaction that responds without thought.

I’d really like to take some pictures soon too. I’ve never felt so sexy and confident as I did when I saw myself in a good picture.

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