55 MPH

They’re flying down a country road, surrounded by empty fields. He smiles as he sets the cruise control and slides his seat back a few inches. She opens the silky bag and lets her vibrator slide out into her hands. The smooth silicone is still cold from hours in a suitcase. She unzips her jeans and wiggles back into a reclined position. She turns on the vibrator and slides it down her stomach and into her jeans, feeling the vibrations hit her clit as his smiles grows. She jokes “don’t get too distracted” as she begins to grind into the vibrator. The first waves of a growing orgasm seem to hit her immediately, blurring her vision of the road and wide open fields. She can imagine his eyes sliding between her and the road as she cums.

He unzips his own jeans and pulls his cock out. It’s standing straight up in front of the wheel and just too tempting to resist. She leans over and eagerly takes his cock into her mouth. The vibrator is wedged tight against her clit inside her jeans and she moans as she slides her mouth around the head of his cock and down as far as she can go. His hand grasps her hair and pushes her gently up and down, setting the rhythm. It’s a rush of sensations, combined with the adrenaline of driving down the road for any passerby to see. She gets lost in the moans she hears above her head. Sucking his cock as deeply as she can beside the wheel, the vibrator brings her to the brink of orgasm again. She shudders and moans against his lap, feeling his hand tighten in her hair. He groans “don’t stop” and thrusts into her mouth. “Now” he says as she takes the length of his cock into her mouth. She feels him cum, spurting into the back of her throat. She swallows and leans back into her seat, smiling at the view of her man – cock glistening in the daylight, his satisfied smile and his hands gripping the wheel. They continue down the road as she buttons her pants and attempts to slow her racing heartbeat. She smiles as she remembers what she’s said so often – “country roads are so boring!”

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Focus

There’s been so much change in my life lately, so much to focus on. Distracting things like a new job, depressing things like a traffic ticket, stressful things like moving. I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster the past few months and some things my husband’s been struggling with have felt the same.

When I left him, I said I’d work to put my sexuality at the center of my life. I’d stop pushing it off to the side and ignoring it for months. I’d explore what turned me on and what I craved with or without him. I’d unleash my inner slut.

I felt like I was making progress – ever so slowly reaching out for more. Then bam – I fell right back into my habits. Adding 8 hours of work and 3 hours of driving to my daily life drained all my energy. Breaking a finger drained all my pleasure. I’d fall into bed and wake up in what felt like two minutes to do it all again. Sex was pushed way to the side – and obviously this blog, my writing, got pushed even further down.

I woke up this morning feeling like I barely slept. My eyes would barely stay open and all I could think about was coffee.

Then I got a text:

I’m horny.

I almost typed not now – I just woke up. It’s my jerk reaction to turn things down when the situation’s not perfect from the start. I didn’t – I’m so tired of telling him no. I nearly scared him off trying to explain how tired I was and out of it I was.

But then he slid me into things with his words. His voice just flows down my spine and seduces me with the wonderful images he creates. Before I knew it I was cumming and begging for more. That few minutes after we cum is the closest I feel until I can touch him again. We’re both relaxed and open – I feel so connected and wanted. Why can’t I ever remember that at the beginning?

I move into our new place in a week. I’ll be able to walk around naked – I’ll be able to moan as loud as I want as the magic wand works its magic. I’ll feel free again. So now the challenge is to hold onto that feeling – to push my limits and explore. To remember to be more open to things my wonderful husband suggests and to suppress that jerk reaction that responds without thought.

I’d really like to take some pictures soon too. I’ve never felt so sexy and confident as I did when I saw myself in a good picture.

Quoted

“And how many of the couples who manage to stay together for the long haul have done so by resigning themselves to sacrificing their eroticism on the altar of three of life’s irreplaceable joys: family stability, companionship, and emotional, if not sexual, intimacy? Are those who innocently aspire to these joys cursed by nature to preside over the slow strangulation of their partner’s libido?” (2).

 

“One can choose what to do, but not what to want” (46).

 

“The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur” (Quote from Jerry Seinfeld, 47-48).

 

Some of the quotes that have stuck out as I’m reading Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships.

And a picture just because…

image

 

Reading

I’ve mentioned reading a few books, so I thought I’d share a little more. I’m the type of person who likes to research and know as much as possible about whatever topic I’m focused on. I don’t know why it took me so long to make that connection with sex, but here I am.

My focus right now is not just sex, but more the idea that our sex life doesn’t have to be limited to just us nor just the way it’s always been. It can potentially open up for more partners or different styles of sex and still contain the love and passion we both crave. I’m picking books I’ve seen mentioned on other blogs or sites that cater to that topic.

I read Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships first. The title encompasses the book’s contents well – it’s a guide book. It lists all the various definitions and terms common in open relationships, it offers lists and information on the details of developing guidelines and limits in your relationships, it outlines some of the potential conflicts with this type of sexuality, and it includes many quotes and examples from real people who were surveyed for the book. If you’re familiar with the world of open relationships, this may not be the most exciting book. Even with my newb status, some of the content was predictable and expected. Still, I found it interesting to dive into the details and figure out what would work for me and what was out of my comfort zone. Hearing quotes and stories from real people was interesting as well. I found it to be a good starter book – goes well with the initial conversations of “maybe we want to try a threesome”.

I’m only chapters into Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships. I’ve seen this and The Ethical Slut mentioned on more than one blog, so I purchased both. The title hinted at a more academic approach to the topic, and I’ve found this to be true so far. It reads more as a research article in an academic journal than a casual novel. It might take some adjustment if you’re expecting another how-to novel, but I enjoy a more research-based approach than just a casual opinion. So far, the chapters are working very hard at disproving the general notion that monogamy is natural among humans and has been evident since the first human communities. The authors go into great detail about researchers like Darwin who have drastically changed human knowledge. I’m finding it to be a little lengthy and repetitive, but I’m an open audience. If I was someone who was completely for the idea of monogamy as natural and “right”, more convincing is necessary. Of course, someone like that may pass this book without a second glance. I’m interested to see where the authors go as the books progresses.

 

Progress

Progress is always slow going, but I wanted to highlight a couple things I’ve been attempting to improve in my general sex life. My problem has always been that sex is on a back burner most of the time – I have to consciously bring it to the front of my thoughts. When my husband, who always has sex boiling away on the front burner, makes a pass or attempts to get sexual, I used to just deny instead of giving myself a moment to get into a sexual mood. That’s led to a lot of rejection that I didn’t intend.

I have little choice but masturbation right now, but I’ve been doing more of it than normal. Granted, it’s limited to certain times of the day when people aren’t around, but it’s something. I bought some new silicone toys recently so I’ve been trying them all out 😉

I’m terrible at phone sex. I can’t get out of my head, I stumble over the words, and I ruin it. I’ve been treated to some really awesome phone calls where he narrates and leads me right up to an orgasm. I even tried to return the favor. My attempt was clumsy and got a D rating (I think that’s a little low – shouldn’t there be a beginner’s curve to these things?!), but it felt good to try something so out of my comfort zone.

I’ve caught a cold and lost my voice and just feel pretty awful today. We were messaging and he hinted at a phone sex session. I wasn’t in the mood at all, but instead of just shutting him down – I took a minute to try to relax and get myself in a better frame of mind. I still wasn’t at my best and I’m sure he could tell, but I felt better for accepting and taking part in something he wanted rather than saying no yet again.

All these little details add up to me feeling like I’m doing more than just saying I’m trying to change and that I accept his sexuality. It may be small, but I hope he can see the progress even if it’s at a snail’s pace.

I downloaded a couple more books on nonmonogamy and the likes. I really enjoyed reading the first book, and it opened me up to a lot of internal questioning and redefining what I actually wanted in our marriage, so I’m hoping continued research will pay out well for me. Research is my thing, so I’m going with it.

 

I haven’t felt motivated to write stories, but I’d like to try soon. I haven’t been keeping up here, so sorry! I will try to be better in the next few weeks.

Checking In

So our “separation” that isn’t what the name implies has begun. I miss the little moments we would have every day – the shared humor over some small reference on a television show or the sarcastic complaints about the town we lived in. I miss his touch and presence, I don’t feel as relaxed in the evenings without him. I miss being able to touch him – I knew that months without sex wouldn’t be fun but it sucks. of course.

I’m living with family for the time being so the shift from our own apartment where we could do whatever we pleased to having to hide my toys and muffle my moans is depressing. I’m finding it harder to shift into that frame of mind when one ear is always open for footsteps. I can only hope that all our ducks will be in a row quickly so I can move into an apartment.

I’m a total wimp with change. I don’t like it, I get overwhelmed, I just want to hide on the couch with a book. So adjusting back to the USA after years overseas and being bombarded with family updates and parties hasn’t been easy, but it’s getting better each day. Now I just need to find some friends…

 

We’ve always dealt with distance, so the internet has always been a friend in our relationship. I clam up badly when discussing serious things in person, so it’s always been easier to text or email our conflicts or discussions. He’ll actually get to hear my thoughts. (It’s no coincidence I started this blog and he’s my most faithful reader). We’ve been able to have some great conversations since I’ve flown home. We’ve started to dig into the possibilities of nonmonogamy and I feel like I’m a step away from diving into it. I’ll have to discuss the book I read, but it helped me iron out some of my thoughts and will continue to do so as I work through all the what-ifs and agreements we’ll come to before we take it out of the marital bed, so to speak.

 

The time difference and lack of privacy makes any kind of virtual/phone fun difficult. But we did have one awesome night so far. He called and just wowed me with his words. He talked me right into an orgasm, and then continued from there. Usually I’m shy on camera, but I don’t think I could have focused on the iPad if I tried with the magic wand to my clit and a dildo thrusting into my pussy. Hearing his moans on the other end was just about as perfect as you can get in this situation.

 

Not all that much has changed in this transition. I’m still stuck in the thinking stage of nonmonogamy and kink. I feel like I’ve been making great progress at changing my perspective and choosing understanding and appreciation over judgment, but jealousy is a bitch and she sneaks up when you’re least expecting her.

I’m working on a master list. I want to actually list out all the kinks and forms of nonmonogamy we’ve ever considered and try to sort them into three piles – willing to try, not interested right now, off the table. I’m planning to share them here once I’ve ironed it all out.

Opening Up

I’ve said it before and I’ll always say it – reading is my way to experience the world, learn new things, and explore possibilities.

So when considering drastic changes in my sex life, it’s no surprise I turn to reading blogs and books. I’ve tried a handful of the typical love, marriage, and sex guide books. Nothing ground breaking, nothing I couldn’t have figured out without skimming the pages.

For some reason, I assumed the non-monogamous side of sex wouldn’t be so wide spread in published books as it has been for me in blogs. Through reading, I’ve found a few books mentioned here and there that speak about open relationships.

I have a very long flight coming up so I decided it was time to download one and give it a shot. This is one of those times the Kindle is amazing. I’d never be caught dead with self-help books or erotica in my hands in public, but I can have a Kindle filled with both and no one will ever be the wiser.

I’m excited to share what I think about it once I finish! Maybe my husband will give it a look and share his thoughts with me as well. Books are one place we have no problem connecting. You should hear our hours long discussions on the Game of Thrones novels!